The Shadow of Love is Doubt
This morning I woke up thinking doubt kills more relationships than anything else ever does. In the final analysis, love and doubt seem to never have been on speaking terms.
So how can we be together for three years and suddenly I have all this doubt? There was no doubt when I first saw her, and there was no doubt when I picked her over so many others. But, doubt now prevails. No event, no conflict, love and appreciation always, but doubt.
Shakespeare once said “Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt my love.” I think he wrote those words in a serious moment of doubt.
Should I try to talk this through with her? Maybe it’s just better to keep my mouth closed so she doesn’t suspect doubt than to open it and remove all doubt.
I dated a girl once who told me I always needed to worry when she wore red. I don’t own anything red, not even a tie. Socks maybe, but I’d have to find them and keep pointing to my feet to pass a subliminal message.
I now doubt myself and doubt everything I see. I judge myself and see judges everywhere. But, maybe if I listen to the sound of my own voice, I can rise above doubt and judgment and finally commit forever.
I wish I could kill the snake of doubt in my soul, crush the worms of fear in my heart and get all these mountains out of my way.
Why all this uncertainty especially when she is so beautiful, so perfect? All this confirms only one thing to me. All men are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
My doubts also seem to never end. If one doubt is removed, another takes its place. It is like removing the leaves of a tree one by one. Even if all the leaves are clipped off, new ones grow. It leaves me to think that the tree itself must be uprooted.
But, maybe who never doubted, never loved. Where doubt is, love is. Love and doubt seem to be each other’s shadow.
I also picked her with a deeper instinct, chose her because she gives me strength, because she never makes enormous demands on me, and gives me courage and toughness. Just being in her proximity makes me feel more whole, gives me the feeling that I have it all. Yet, the doubt lingers.
If God invented love, it is therefore perfect. But, even dogs seem to be better at celebrating this perfection than men sometimes are. Since I have all this doubt as to how I should feel, maybe I could do far worse than trying to live life like as a dog appreciating her every day like I did before.
There is no doubt that I deserved most every bad thing that ever happened to me, but I don't believe I deserved something as beautiful as her. But, there is doubt, so much unnecessary uncertainty.
There can be no question that the average man finger points much more than he praises. Man’s instinct is to finger point, and to constantly compare what he has with what others have. If he is satisfied he says nothing; if he is not, he most illogically looks at others even if they are less beautiful, and less reliable.
When you start looking at something right next to what you possess, this is tantamount to cheating. There are so many different ways to cheat. Some think infidelity is cheating, but I think it's just as bad to emotionally cheat on someone when you’re constantly sizing up others in her presence. But, maybe long term attachment is the problem. Bigamy is having one lover too many. Maybe for some men monogamy is the same.
Why do men always want to be someone’s first and only love, and then seek another? Why does she just want the man she loves to be her last romance? It is just all too confining.
When I spoke to my sister about my doubts she too shared a similar concern. She said there were others out there more beautiful, more attractive. She said I needed to open my eyes to new horizons, but that I was unlikely to find a rear end as spectacular as what she had. I thought the comment to be a bit lewd, but she said it like it is and her comment was nonetheless spot on.
Maybe we simply needed to spend more time together and to go for a long ride. A winding road through the mountains possibly, or a drive to the beach. I learned long ago not too underestimate the power of a touch, a feel, or even a scent. All of these things reinforce the simple act of caring, all of which have the potential to eliminate doubt. And after the drive I could wash her, I love to wash her.
Seeing her from a distance made me immediately realize how lucky I was to have her in my life. And, exactly as I expected, when I approached her, she defined perfection itself. Every angle of her remained simply salivating. Around her, inside her, I always feel a certain level of completeness that is indescribable. Those feelings allow me to deal maturely and passively with any of her competitors.
With any doubt now gone, I went inside her, and touched her steering wheel column with all the passion I could muster. I thought then she would be with me for for the rest of my life.