Reflections of Years Gone By

The end of 2015 is near, and in a few minutes it will be the year’s final curtain. It hasn’t been the easiest of years, and as with every year’s end, I feel obliged to run through my head everything that was, what could have been, and what failed to be. To be clear from the start, there is no doubt that I've lived a life that's full, and without question I’ve traveled the world and seen each and every highway. Regrets, I've had a few, but honestly, too few to mention. Where I am today is the result of a very well planned and charted course with each careful step taken towards a definitive direction.

I always did what I had to do, and I saw things through regardless of the challenges that stood before me. I consistently bit off more than I could chew and gave myself much reward and arguably as much unnecessary heartache. Like many of you, I faced my share of hardship, but through it all I did my best to stand tall and did so even when all the chips were stacked against me. And, yes, I cried a lot and had my share of losing. But, I laughed just as much as I cried, and with all the pain that came with losing, I see it all now as being so meaningless, and so amusing.

To think I did all that and I can look back now on a career of accomplishment, but no, wait, it’s not that easy. There was many a time where I have done things that I wasn’t proud of, said the things to get me by, not the truth, not the things I truly felt, but the words of one who knelt to a perceived higher authority.

This can all be excused by the argument that I did what I had to do to survive, no to thrive, all within my defined sense of purpose. But, now as another year goes by, that sense of purpose stands bruised, with a meaning more confused than understood. That planned course, that sense of purpose tattering on the sublime, if not the outright meaninglessness of it all.

Should it all have been different from the start? Well, maybe so, but I always seemed to be steered in one direction. From that direction it always felt that there was no correction, and comes the inevitable understanding that a reversal of course may now be impossible. But, don’t get me wrong, I’ve lived a life that’s been blessed more than anything else by the people that stood by me. With some of them now gone, and others having gone in their own direction, I would trade everything I have, all that I own for a few minutes of their blissful companionship.

I know now the meaning of so many things, love among them, and a part of me now is forced to admit that I may have lost more than I have gained. All the years invested, wasted, on doing this, accomplishing that, all for what and for what purpose? It now seems to mean so much less than it did before and reflections are becoming so much harder. But, again yes there is no doubt that I've lived a life that's full and by every measure I am a very lucky man. Lucky to have everything, to have nothing, to have such a clear sense of purpose, to be so lost, lucky for every opportunity I have been given, unlucky for every opportunity I’ve lost or wasted, and confused, utterly bewildered, at the shear absurdity of it all.

(Inspired by the words of Frank Sinatra)